How Nonviolent Communication can help you improve your relationship
If you’re trying to work on your communication in your relationship, and you’re struggling to speak clearly and compassionately to your partner, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a framework that could help. Communication in any relationship is extremely important. If you’re not able to communicate with your partner without getting into an argument, it makes it extremely difficult to foster intimacy and closeness. What NVC offers is a clear and straightforward formula that when practiced correctly will diminish the points of tension, and reduce the amount of conflict in your communication.
NVC was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, in the 1960s as a way to answer questions Marshall had a child about why people fight and how we can find a way to reduce the amount of violence in our words to each other. Since then, his book Nonviolent Communication, now in its third edition, has sold over 3 million copies worldwide, and has helped countless people learn to communicate more effectively and less violently.
I use NVC principles regularly in my work with couples, and I find its clarity, simplicity, and effectiveness to be extremely helpful for many people. Nonviolent Communication can be broken down into four essential steps. Here I will outline how to think about and apply these steps in your relationship, today.
#1 Observation
The first step with NVC is to communicate a clear and objective observation about the situation you are trying to address. Rosenberg emphasises the importance of separating observations from evaluations. Your evaluation of a situation is more subjective, and may include areas where you and your partner disagree, whereas purely objective observations tied to a specific observable time and place are harder to argue with.
For example if your partner says to you “you are lazy”, you might feel defensive, frustrated, and you might disagree with their evaluation of your work ethic. Instead, if they were to say “I have done the dishes every night for the past week”, this observation is devoid of any emotional evaluation. While you might still have a reaction to this observation, it is less likely to ignite strong emotions, your partner is just observing a fact that hopefully you two can agree on.
Here are some more examples of how to translate an evaluation into an observation:
Evaluation
“You never listen to me”
“He is here all the time”
“You always get your way”
Observation
“I noticed that when I just shared something with you, you were on your phone.”
“He has been to our house three times this week”
“We listened to your music the last five times time we were in the car”
#2 Feeling
The next step of NVC is to communicate your emotions, or how you feel subjectively about a situation. While the first step was about an objective statement, step two is where you can bring in your feelings about a situation into the equation. The reason this step is so important is because you are sharing with your partner your internal experience, and that gives them an authentic look into what’s going on for you, and can help them empathize and understand where you are coming from.
When communicating feelings in an NVC framework, it’s best to keep it simple. Sticking to a single emotion is recommended, and using the broadest and clearest word to represent your feelings can be helpful. If you struggle to get in touch with your emotions, this may cause a breakdown in communication because it’s hard for your partner to understand where you are coming from. I recommend taking a moment to check in with yourself and really feel into what emotional tone is present for you before communicating it.
If you are feeling stuck, take a look at this short list of common emotions to see if any of them feel true for you:
Sad
Depressed
Down
Apathetic
Angry
Frustrated
Furious
Irritated
Scared
Anxious
Terrified
Insecure
Happy
Peaceful
Joyful
Excited
#3 Needs
Rosenberg deftly observes that feelings often stem from a core unmet need. If you feel angry, you might have a need to be heard; if you feel sad, you might have a need to be recognized; if you feel anxious, you might have a need to be reassured. From this understanding comes the next step of NVC which is communicating clearly about your needs.
When we talk about needs in the context of NVC, we are not talking about things that you need your partner to do. Rather, we are getting to the core needs that every person as a human being has. Translating your emotion into a corresponding need is important because it allows you to understand for yourself what core emotional need is actually being activated. It also allows for your partner to understand and empathize with you and it opens up the possibility that your partner could actually meet your needs! If your needs are met and satisfied, you are much less likely to get into an argument with your partner, and you are much more likely to feel resourced to engage in a productive and loving relationship.
Here are some core needs many of us have. Take a look at this list and feel into them to see if these needs are being met for you in your life and relationship.
Fun
Excitement
Relaxation
Rest
Intimacy
Creativity
Spontaneity
Acceptance
Safety
Autonomy
Respect
Fulfilment
Security
Freedom
Enjoyment
Appreciation
#4 Request
After carefully and considerately communicating about your Observations, Feelings, and Needs, you are finally at the stage where you get to communicate a request to your partner. This is an opportunity to mindfully and consciously request something of your partner that will allow you to get one of your core emotional needs met. This will hopefully decrease whatever conflict was brewing in your communication, and will allow the two of you to get closer and build intimacy.
It’s important to keep this aim of closeness and growth in mind when speaking your request. One way to try to stay on a productive path with your requests is to always try to ask a positive rather than a negative request. For example, if you observe your partner leaving dishes in the sink, you are feeling angry, and you have identified your need for cleanliness; rather than requesting your partner to “not be so messy”, you might instead ask them to “remember to clean up after yourself”.
Here are some examples of how to translate negative requests into positive requests:
Negative
“Can you not be on your phone when I’m talking to you?”
“Stop being so loud!”
“Please don’t leave the cabinet doors open”
Positive
“Please pay attention to what I am saying”
“Please turn your music down”
“Please remember to close the cabinet doors”
Putting it all together
Let’s try putting these four steps together to see what it looks like as a complete statement. Here is a quick guideline and a few examples of nonviolent communication done right so that you can have an idea of what this looks like in practice;
Observation
“When I observe / see / hear / notice…”
Feeling
“I feel…”
Need
“Because I need / have a need for…”
Request
“Would you be willing to / would you please…”
Examples:
“When I see dishes left in the sink I feel frustrated because I have a need for cleanliness in our home. Would you please try to remember to do your dishes before you go to bed?”
“When you were on your phone just now as I was trying to tell you something, I felt sad, because I need connection with you. Would you be willing to put your phone down and listen to me for the next five minutes?”
“When I heard you tell me that you invited your parents over for dinner I felt overwhelmed because I have a need for autonomy and quiet right now. Can you please ask them if they can come over another night?”
Remember that the goal of NVC is to communicate without causing conflict. If you don’t have this genuine goal in mind when speaking with your partner, this formula might be turned on its head to lead to harm and arguments. For example, the statement; “When I saw you being lazy, I felt angry because I need you to not be a slob, can you please get yourself in order?” technically follows the NVC guidelines, although it makes some grave errors in a few places. This type of statement is not in line with our goals of compassionate communication. NVC will only work if you genuinely want to improve your communication and are willing to speak compassionately and in a nonviolent way with your partner.
If you can’t stop arguing with your partner and you feel distant from them, the Nonviolent Communication framework might be able to help you communicate clearly and effectively without getting stuck in arguments and disagreements. NVC takes practice and an earnest intention of connection without conflict. When it’s implemented effectively, it can greatly increase the connection, intimacy, and communication in your relationship while greatly decreasing arguments, disagreements, and conflict. I have seen NVC work like a key that unlocks a new way of relating for many couples. For those that are ready and willing to work on their relationship and communication, NVC can work wonders.
—
Are you feeling stuck in your relationship and not sure how to improve your communication and intimacy? Do you frequently get lost in conflict with no apparent way out? Are you inspired by Nonviolent Communication and you’d like someone to help you implement it in your relationship? I offer compassionate and effective couples therapy in Santa Cruz and online for California residents. Reach out today to schedule a free 20 minute consultation to see if I could be a good fit to help you take your relationship to the next level.