How to use "I statements" to improve your communication

Learn to use “I statements” to improve your communication and increase intimacy with your partner. I statements are an extremely important part of a connective relationship and healthy communication habits.

[Transcription]

0:00:00: Hi everyone, Connor Moss here, and I wanna talk a little bit about "I" statements and why they're so important in relationships. So I work with a lot of couples around communication and relationship dynamics, and one of the core ideas that I come back to time and time again is "I" statements. I'm constantly asking people to rephrase what they just said in the form of an "I" statement, and I really drill home how important "I" statements are to help foster communication. So today, I'm gonna talk a little bit about why "I" statements are so important. And a couple of examples of how you might use "I" statements in your relationship. So the first reason that "I" statements are so important is that they reduce the defensiveness in a situation, so think about it, if you're in an argument with your partner and some hurtful words are getting thrown, and you hear your partner tell you about what you're doing wrong, you're gonna get defensive. It's not nice to be told, "You are wrong, you are bad. You are messing up."

0:01:11.9: Okay, so if instead you hear about them and their experience, "I'm feeling this way, this is my experience." There's just a softening and opening there, it's less attacking and you're gonna get less defensive. So "I" statements used effectively are gonna decrease the defensiveness and the blaming energy that comes in intense conversations and arguments. So a couple of ways this might look is you can think of a statement like, "You are not clean enough for me." Okay, so it's kind of a silly example, but you're not being clean enough for me. Okay, what do you hear feel when you hear that? Instantly you get a little defensive, it's like you feel blamed for that, you're gonna be in the defensive position. Instead try to think about a statement like this, "I am not comfortable with the level of cleanliness in the home." Okay, what does that do to you when you hear that? There's a lot more openness. There's a lot more acceptance that we can talk about this when you phrase it as an "I" statement, you kind of take responsibility for it, which I'll get to a little later as well.

0:02:30.4: So rephrasing it from "You aren't clean." To "I'm uncomfortable with the level of cleanliness." You're kind of communicating pretty much the exact same thing, but it's said in a way that's gonna foster more connection and more communication between you and your partner. So the next reason that "I" statements are so important is that they make you take responsibility for your feelings, so it can be very easy in relationships when things are getting intense that kinda project what you're thinking onto your partner and blame your partner for how you feel, you blame your partner for what's going wrong in this situation. To be sure there's some situations where your partner might really actually be to blame, and there's some more extreme situations where there is abusive dynamics going on, where using "I" statements is probably not appropriate, but in most situations, if you can take responsibility for what emotion is coming up for you, rather than put it on your partner is something that they have to change, it's really gonna help you to feel connected, and it's really gonna help foster this communication and connection that is indicative of really healthy relationships.

0:03:46.0: So taking responsibility might look like this, if you're saying to your partner, "You're always late, you need to be faster." Okay, that's a "You" statement. It's kind of attacking, it may even be true, but if your partner hears that, they're gonna get again, defensive and feel shut down, and it's gonna probably lead to more arguments. So instead of saying, "You're always late." What is that feeling that you're experiencing that's uncomfortable, that's making you say that? It's gonna be different for each person, but it's probably something about, "I'm anxious that we're not getting out of the door in time." Okay, so taking that "You" statement about your partner that they're being late and they are holding you up, even if that's true, try to rephrase it as this "I" statement about your experience. "I'm feeling anxious." Okay, so when you're able to translate a "You" statement into an "I" statement, you're able to kinda really take responsibility for what's going on for you, rather than putting it on your partner.

0:04:53.0: So the last reason why "I" statements are so important is that they model and increase vulnerability. Vulnerability is a that really key part of connection and intimacy and communication in healthy relationships. If you're not being vulnerable with your partner, it's really hard to connect and have a healthy flow of communication, and the couples I see that have really good vulnerability tends to have less conflict and more connection overall. So vulnerability is hard, right? You're opening up about your experience, and for some people that can be really uncomfortable.

0:05:30.4: Using an "I" statement is inherently vulnerable 'cause you're sharing something about your inner experience. So an "I" statement that might foster vulnerability could be something like, "I really want to hang out with you tomorrow." Okay, seems simple enough, but it's a statement about your experience and in some dynamics and for some people, that could be a really hard thing to say. It might open you up for ridicule or it might... You're showing all your cards, you're telling your partner that you really do wanna hang out with them. But it models this vulnerability and increases this connection, your partner is gonna hear that, and if it's a healthy relationship, they're gonna then feel more safe to share an "I" statement about themselves, and the more that there's this culture of sharing and vulnerability and using "I" statements, the more that that gets normalized in the relationship and just benefits your connection and communication overall.

0:06:30.3: So those are three quick ideas I have on how and why to sue "I" statements in your relationship. They reduce defensiveness, they increase vulnerability and then make you take responsibility for your feelings. So I really recommend that you try this out in your relationship. Start to notice when you're using "You" statements and when you're using "I" statements, and see if you can intentionally shift more towards an "I" statement at some point and notice what effect that has on your relationship. So that's about it for today. I hope you find this helpful. If you're stuck with this type of stuff and you're needing support, you're always welcome to reach out. I work with couples around communication and intimacy, as well as focusing on drug and alcohol counseling and trauma healing. You're always welcome to reach out if you'd like to talk. Okay, thanks very much, take care.

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If you are needing support, feel free to reach out. Connor Moss with Pacific Psychotherapy offers trauma therapy, couples therapy and drug and alcohol counseling in Santa Cruz, and online anywhere in California. Reach out today with any questions or to schedule a free and confidential phone consultation.